Alone Inside My Head
by Mara Greengrass
Summary: “After meeting Tarquin, she discovered a compulsion to evaluate every sound for whether it was inside or outside her head.”An Exile coda


TITLE: Alone Inside My Head (An "Exile" Coda)  
  
AUTHOR: Mara Greengrass  
  
AUTHOR'S E-MAIL: fishfolk@ix.netcom.com. Feedback is better than chocolate.  
  
PERMISSION TO ARCHIVE: EntSTFic and LD, yes, others just let me know.  
  
CATEGORY: Drama/friendship  
  
RATINGS/WARNINGS: G  
  
SUMMARY: "After meeting Tarquin, she discovered a compulsion to evaluate every sound for whether it was inside or outside her head."  
  
DISCLAIMER: Enterprise and all its crew belong to Paramount and many other entities with expensive lawyers. I am making no profit from this story.  
  
NOTES: This is Medie and Chris' fault--Medie for saying I needed to write a post-ep and Chris for his comment on the LD about the episode. I've stolen a few bits of dialogue from the actual episode. They should be fairly obvious. By the way, it seems that everyone and their mother has written a missing scene or coda for this episode, but I think mine's a bit different than the others. Big thanks to stexgirl2000 and Captain Average for the betareading.  
  
//thoughts and/or memories//  
  
* * * * *  
  
It had been a week, but sounds still bothered Hoshi. That was pretty strange for someone with hearing like hers--shouldn't she be used to the noises of a starship?  
  
But after...after meeting Tarquin, she discovered a compulsion to evaluate every sound for whether it was inside or outside her head. Was that sound Travis tapping his fingers on the helm--was it her imagination, or was it Tarquin projecting a sound?  
  
It was difficult to sleep at night, as every creak, every rumble, every click, needed to be considered. Shadows in her cabin that might hide the image of Tarquin had to be inspected.  
  
She knew it wasn't healthy. But she couldn't stop.  
  
The solidity of the ship helped. Sometimes, walking down a gray corridor, she stopped and just touched the walls; the slight chill of the metal, hard and real, reminded her that she was safe.  
  
Liz found her standing like that, palm flat against a wall, cherishing a small dent where some long-past injury to the ship had never quite been healed.  
  
"Hoshi?"  
  
She started, then turned with a smile. "Hey."  
  
"What're you doing?"  
  
"Nothing," she said. "It was nothing."  
  
Liz looked unconvinced. "Was there another anomaly?"  
  
"Maybe." She shrugged. "I really should get to the bridge." Hoshi smiled politely and left Liz staring at the wall, as if it might sprout a face and explain what had just happened. Of course, in the Expanse that wasn't impossible.  
  
Immersed in her work on the bridge, Hoshi felt almost normal--surrounded by the quiet banter of the crew and a new language to program into the UT.  
  
She didn't participate in the banter, though, doing her work and listening with mild amusement as Travis and Malcolm debated whether piloting or shooting had saved the ship in some specific engagement.  
  
It wasn't unusual, she realized, for her to stay quiet at times like this. People thought of Malcolm as reticent, but really, it was her. Sure, she talked to people, but only about language.  
  
Tarquin was right, she felt alone on a ship full of her own people. Her gorge rose and, for a moment, she was choking on self-hatred and homesickness and fear.  
  
"Ensign? Is something wrong?"  
  
T'Pol's voice broke the spell and Hoshi looked up from her console to see concerned faces. Even Lt. Hess over at the engineering station--who she didn't really know--looked worried. Hoshi swallowed. "I'm fine. Just a bit of...stomach upset."  
  
"Do you wish to return to your quarters?" T'Pol asked.  
  
Panic stole her breath. "No!" When T'Pol looked taken aback, she modulated her tone. "No, I'd prefer to finish my shift. I've almost got a handle on Tarkallian."  
  
"If you're certain."  
  
"Yes, Sub-commander."  
  
"Very well." T'Pol took her words at face value and returned her attention to the science station.  
  
Breathing a sigh of relief, Hoshi thanked the universe that Jon wasn't on the bridge. He'd have sent her to sickbay, will she or nill she. Or back to her quarters, where she'd heard Tarquin's voice, seen him. Where he'd read her every thought and reappeared even after she escaped.  
  
Hoshi slammed the brakes on that train of thought, returning to the symbols in front of her. But they fought with memories for attention, like two fractious politicians unwilling to cede the debate floor.  
  
//If I can just isolate the prototypical formulation matrices of this language...//  
  
//"That's just what you told your grandmother when she tried to serve you soba noodles. Now they're one of your favorite foods."//  
  
//But it's made more difficult by the lack of cultural context for the source language text.//  
  
//"Are you reading my mind right now?"//  
  
The shift seemed to go on forever, but it was still better than...it was still better.  
  
* * * * *  
  
During dinner in the mess hall, Trip and Travis laughed about their recent close call in an asteroid field while Hoshi listened.   
  
Phlox came by the table, his genial grin seeming wider than normal. "Will you please visit my Pyrithian bat?" he asked Hoshi. "It seems to miss you and is a great deal more fractious when you have not been by."   
  
"I'll come to see your bat, I promise." She smiled at Phlox, hoping he couldn't see the way she'd flinched away when he approached.  
  
"The bat and I will hold you to that promise. Come by for the evening feeding." Phlox nodded and left.  
  
She went back to eating, sticking random forkfuls of whatever was on her plate into her mouth.  
  
"Hoshi?"  
  
"Hmm?" When she looked up, Trip and Travis were exchanging worried glances. "What? I wasn't listening."  
  
"Umm," Travis said, hesitating.  
  
"Spit it out, Travis."  
  
"Well, what he's trying to ask," Trip said, "is if you're okay."  
  
"Why does everyone keep asking me that?" She glared at both of them. "I'm fine."  
  
"It just seems--" Travis began.  
  
"Don't pretend to care. Don't try to read my mind!" The mess hall went nearly silent in astonishment, and Hoshi got up and stalked out of the room, not looking at any of the faces.   
  
* * * * *  
  
Walking the corridors, she ran a hand along the wall, ignoring the odd looks from passersby. It didn't matter, as long as they couldn't tell what she was thinking. Nobody should be able to read your mind, know so much about you--use those things against you.  
  
The corridors all looked the same and she didn't notice anything else until a set of doors slid open up ahead and Phlox stepped out. Automatically, she took a step back, remembering someone else wearing his face.  
  
"Ensign?" He looked sad and she was sorry for that.  
  
"Hi. I guess I could visit your bat now."  
  
"That would be nice." Phlox's voice was very gentle, but stepping into Sickbay still made her gulp. This was a place she'd felt safe, a person who was her friend, and it was ruined--just like her quarters. That dizzying moment, when someone else's words seemed to come from Phlox haunted her, made her shy away from a place she'd previously visited for comfort and sympathy.  
  
Phlox seemed to sense her mood and left her alone with the Pyrithian bat. She eased it out of its cage, murmuring soothing phrases. It stopped its frantic fluttering as soon as it smelled her, settling on her hand, leaning against a finger when she stroked its head. The fluttering rumble of the bat's purring sound of happiness made her grin, and she petted the bat, lost in the moment.  
  
"Perhaps I shall take this opportunity to clean the cage," Phlox said.  
  
She jumped, not having noticed his approach, and the bat chittered its annoyance. "That's probably a good idea," she said.  
  
She stepped away and leaned against a biobed as Phlox cleaned. While his back was turned, she was able to keep a wary eye on him, alert to any signs he wasn't real.  
  
"I've been hearing some disturbing things," he said after a moment.  
  
She tensed and the bat made a clicking sound. "Oh?"  
  
"Indeed. People are very concerned about you. Even...well, I won't name names, but five different people have approached me for advice, suggestions, or any ideas about what is wrong."  
  
"Nothing's wrong," she said automatically.   
  
Phlox closed the cage and turned around. "We both know that's not true. You've hardly been yourself since your sojourn with Tarquin, and the situation has become critical." He studied her, and the tone and the worry were so Phlox she wasn't quite afraid. "I had hoped you would talk to someone about what is bothering you, or come to me of your own volition."  
  
"There's nothing to talk about."  
  
"When did you last sleep?"  
  
"Last night!"  
  
"For how long?"  
  
She blinked, the answer eluding her. "Two hours?" Phlox didn't say anything and she bristled, the bat stirring restively on her hand. "Maybe I wasn't tired."  
  
"What do you dream about?"  
  
The bat screamed and fluttered its wings, and Hoshi looked down, surprised.  
  
Phlox opened the cage and gestured for her to return the bat to its home. "I was correct," he said, as they watched the bat investigate its cleaner surroundings. "My bat has taken a liking to you. They have a touch of empathic ability, you know. And this bat tells me you're agitated."  
  
Numb, she waited for him to reach his point.  
  
Phlox let out a puff of breath that was the Denobulan sigh. "You're not acting normally, and we are concerned."  
  
"It's all in my head," she said.  
  
"What is?"  
  
"That's what you always tell me when I think there's something wrong. This time you're right, it's all in my head. So it's nothing." She nodded to herself.  
  
Phlox was at a loss for words, but he pulled himself together. "Obviously you are upset. That is certainly something."  
  
"It doesn't matter."  
  
"Why would you think that?" She looked at him in confusion and Phlox tilted his head. "Never mind. Just believe that your welfare matters very much. To me and to many other people aboard this ship. And my medical training tells me you need to rest."  
  
Hoshi turned away, began to wander among the cages. "I'm alone. That's one thing that Tarquin was right about. I'm alone inside my head and that's a good thing. I don't want anyone else in there."  
  
"How much did he read, Ensign? You did not specify that in your report."  
  
"He saw everything." She shuddered.  
  
"Everything?" Phlox sounded horrified.  
  
"He was in there for days." Once she'd started, the words flowed out. "He saw everything, knew everything about me, came to me as you, as the captain, as a human. He came back, bringing the coordinates, and the captain was happy."  
  
"No, the captain was most certainly *not* happy!"  
  
Hoshi looked up, startled out of her train of thought. "What?"  
  
"He was angry, very angry that your mind had been invaded again." Phlox stepped forward. "Yes, the coordinates will help our mission, but I hope you realize that the captain would not wish to sacrifice you for that mission."  
  
She found her back was up against a biobed. "It wasn't his fault. I convinced him to let me go in the first place, I convinced him to let me stay."  
  
"But you didn't deserve to have your mind invaded." Phlox sounded very sad. "You need to rest now, I promise you that will help."  
  
"If I sleep, how do I know what's real? How do I keep control? I know that I'm alone in here when I'm awake. I'm okay as long as everything stays real." She frowned at him. "Are you sure you're really Doctor Phlox?"  
  
Phlox nodded. "Yes, I am quite certain I am." His hand flashed up and before she could react, he'd injected her with a hypospray.  
  
"No!" She lunged forward at Phlox, trying to hit him, kick him, but her vision narrowed, grayed, and finally went black.  
  
* * * * *  
  
Hoshi floated in a half-waking state, enjoying the feeling of being well-rested, the sensation that if she wanted, she could sink back into sleep. Shifting a bit, a small piece of her mind wondered why it didn't feel like her bed.  
  
That woke her up a bit more. Where was she?  
  
She cracked open an eye and found she was on a biobed in Sickbay. Not only that, but the captain was sitting in a chair beside the bed, concentrating on a padd. She blinked at the top of his head, confused.  
  
"Captain?"  
  
His head shot up and he looked relieved. "Hoshi, good to see you awake. How are you feeling?" Jumping out of the chair, he came to stand by the bed.  
  
"I feel fine. What am I..." A memory came back to her, something about trying to hurt Phlox. Wandering the halls. The Pyrithian bat. Screaming in the mess hall. Tarquin. "Oh my."  
  
"Hoshi?" Jon looked worried.  
  
"Sir...I remember now. I'm sorry, I don't know why I was acting like that."  
  
"It's okay, we do." He looked down at the padd and took a deep breath. When he looked up again, his face was very serious. "Phlox says you hadn't been sleeping."  
  
She looked away. "No. Not really. After Tarquin...came to my quarters that last time, I started to worry. I was worried he might come back. That made it hard to relax enough to sleep."  
  
"Understandable. Unfortunately, lack of sleep has some fairly predictable effects. Such as paranoia and hallucinations. And once they've set in, it becomes a vicious cycle, making it more and more difficult to sleep."  
  
"Oh." Hoshi's face felt warm. "That's why I was having trouble telling what was real. Why I kept thinking Tarquin was back. It was my fault."  
  
"No!" She turned to look at Jon and he glared at her. "It wasn't your fault. It was *our* fault for not realizing the severity of what had happened to you. Somebody should have noticed or thought about it. *I* should have thought about it."  
  
Closing her eyes, Hoshi fought back tears.   
  
"I think everyone's feeling a bit guilty right now." His voice softened. "Someone's been sitting with you ever since Phlox knocked you out. In fact, Malcolm just left a little while ago and Travis is due to arrive next. We thought it might help if you weren't alone when you woke up." He paused. "You've been out for over 24 hours. Phlox says his drugs wore off after 12."  
  
"Hmm." Her throat felt like it was closing--a combination of embarrassment and a bit of fear.  
  
"Hoshi? Look at me...talk to me."  
  
She opened her eyes and tried to speak, but it didn't work very well, and she had to clear her throat a few times. "It's just...I'm still scared that he'll come back."  
  
"I know, and I'm so sorry this happened to you." Jon shook his head.  
  
"Me too." She managed a watery smile.  
  
"But let me tell you something I should have said before." He paused, waiting until she was looking at him. "I'm proud of you. You were incredibly brave to agree to meet with Tarquin and even braver to stay, considering what he'd done. And you saved the entire ship through your quick thinking when he was going to destroy Enterprise."  
  
"Then I ruined it all by breaking down when I got back."  
  
"Stop that!" Command voice made her struggle with the urge to salute him. "I told you already, *we're* at fault--first, for not believing you, and second, for not thinking about the consequences of having your mind...invaded. We failed you, not the other way around. Do you understand me?"  
  
"Yes, sir." Her voice was small, but strong.  
  
"Good." Dropped down into the chair, he looked at his hands, which still held the padd. "It's okay to be scared of Tarquin returning. Hell, I'd be scared." He looked up. "You need to come to me or Trip or T'Pol if you're worried. Agreeing to meet with Tarquin was brave, but trying to handle the aftereffects by yourself was unnecessary."  
  
"I didn't...I didn't want you to think I was the frightened ensign who first came aboard."  
  
"Nobody would think that. I'm so very sorry you thought we would."  
  
Hoshi looked away, running her mind over the week since she'd returned to Enterprise. Much of it was hazy, like a bad dream. "Tarquin said I was alone and told me he'd seen how I feel isolated."  
  
Jon watched her and waited, obviously sensing she wasn't done.  
  
After a few moments of gathering her thoughts, she continued. "He was warped by his time on that planet, both the time spent alone and the time with his 'companions.' I think he'd forgotten how non-telepaths communicate, or maybe he never knew. But what he saw as loneliness, I see as normal. It's not a bad thing to be alone inside your head. I don't think humans are meant to know too much about each other."  
  
When she'd been quiet for a while, Jon responded. "You're not alone, you know."  
  
"I know." The fuzzy memories shimmered in her mind. "He confused me enough that I forgot."  
  
"Don't do it again. You scared us."  
  
"I won't forget again."  
  
The curtain around her bed slid away to reveal a grinning Phlox and Travis; it was a tossup whose grin was bigger. Hoshi had to laugh at the pair of them and the sound of her laughter just made them grin more, and soon even Jon was grinning along.  
  
Travis grabbed her into a big hug, which just made her laugh harder, and Phlox gently touched her shoulder. Her smile got a bit watery, but everyone pretended not to notice.  
  
As they cheered her return, Hoshi kept her thoughts to herself. Which was exactly as it should be. 


End file.
